Why Kindness is the Radical Act of Setting Boundaries
In a world where appearances often take precedence, the concept of being kind versus being nice is gaining traction in conversations across social media platforms.
The distinction between them is profound. On my latest solo episode of All Our Parts, I discuss niceness as a performative act, often driven by how we want others to perceive us. It’s about appeasement, people-pleasing, and ensuring favorable reactions.
Kindness, on the other hand, is more genuine. It takes into account not only the needs of the other person but also your own boundaries and desires. Kindness is honest; niceness is transactional.
The Burden of Being The Golden Child
I once believed that being liked by everyone was crucial. As a kid, being perceived as nice seemed synonymous with acceptance. I wore the label of the “golden child” within my family dynamic, and that archetype came with a heavy burden to meet familial expectations.
I was praised for achievements, yet hardly known for my true self. This pressure extended into my friendships, where I mirrored others to fit in. This constant performance fostered resentment and blurred boundaries, ultimately blocking the path to authentic connection.
Over time, I learned that being kind doesn’t mean pleasing everyone. It involves discernment in who receives our kindness and how. It requires recognizing when relationships should be nurtured and when—with kindness toward ourselves—it’s time to close certain chapters.
I rediscovered this through a recent meeting with an old friend. While kindness left room for love and good wishes, I relinquished expectations for a renewed friendship. This discernment empowers us to move forward, cherishing past connections while embracing new ones that truly resonate.
Your 3 Tips for Living Kindly (Not Nicely)
Kindness empowers us to nurture authentic, sustainable relationships. Use these tips to prioritize your truth over performance:
Perception Check: Whose perception matters more—theirs or yours? Kindness prioritizes staying true to yourself. If you feel resentful about saying yes, the "nice" answer is sacrificing your boundary.
Discernment in Action: If someone’s words or actions feel off, address it with gentle honesty rather than brushing it aside with a forced smile. You deserve respect and understanding.
Intrinsic Worth: Your worth doesn't rely on offering something tangible to others (your help, your compliance, your time). You are inherently worthy of love and respect just by being you.
Dive Deeper: Listen to the Full Episode
This is just the surface of how the performance of niceness can block your path to authentic living and true connection. In the latest solo episode of the The Visibility Standard podcast, I share more about:
The moment I realized I was performing niceness.
The difference between a kind "No" and a nice "Yes."
How to build a life based on your intrinsic worth, not external praise.
Listen to the episode
Remember, even amidst past grief and loneliness, choosing kindness over niceness invites you to a space where fulfilling, authentic connections await.
In kindness and truth,
Jazzmyn
